Nothing is the same…. Without Mom 11/19/2009
Nothing is the same…. Without Mom Christmas isn't going to be the same, it's the first after mom's death. Ironically, mom's absence seems even more intense than before. It seems like the farther you go from the event of a loved one's dying, the stronger its gravitational pull on your psyche. I wonder if that's only true for the first few years afterwards... and will later years find an orbit of normalcy, one in which the fact of death lessens its sting over time. I do still sense the spirit of the Christmas season, Christmas is still an exciting time of year. So I'm disappointed in myself for not having much motivation to help make it a truly magical time. I know my mom would have told me to just get off my duff and do something about it instead of mope about it. But I am not as strong as she would have wanted me to be, or as she might have expected me to be, and for now I indulge in the grip of this lassitude. I will just seek understanding from friends and loved ones... who I hope will not fault me too badly for this, unless they too have had the experience of losing a mother, and who may know in fact that it doesn't have to be this way. It was my mom who always took the lead in bringing a Christmassy feel to our home. Tree lights flashing and decorations all looking good, I felt this tug at my heart and tears on my face. I have never had a Christmas without her, so this is all new to me and I need to find a way to have me get thru it… it seems harder each day…. Just could not stay and face another day of pain and sadness for not remembering and drifting away… A few tears fell down of course as I knew, I had to get off my rear as you would say and "get it done" . The tears will still come but I know that is normal. Everyday for the rest of my life, you left quite the legacy with your ways and your love. I know you will be watching constantly… Wishing us hope happiness and love. It broke my heart to lose her but I knew that she wasn't in pain anymore and she could now rest. I'd been doing okay with her death …But now, with Christmas 40 days away, she's been on my mind A LOT lately. I find myself grieving more for her now than when she passed away. I'm more depressed lately and find myself thinking more and more about her. I know they say the holidays are the toughest time when loved ones aren't around -- but this is so hard. Sometimes we have something without truly knowing what we have. Sometimes we hold something without knowing completely what we hold. Sometimes we are given something without fully appreciating what we are given. But that knowledge usually comes when we realize what we have lost. I wish it wasn’t this way... - HAZEL - Commentsblogger Mon, 23 Nov 2009 17:33:13 hey _hazel_ Tue, 24 Nov 2009 19:53:36 You know the day I lose my mom is the day I think I will want to end my life. I can’t imagine the day she will leave my side. I decided not to… because I simply couldn’t think the tears coming in her eyes, let alone whatever extreme thing she would have gone on to do. She is quite simply the ONLY person I can really truly trust in this world. Thu, 10 Dec 2009 17:16:04 Hazel, HaZeL Mon, 21 Dec 2009 19:05:58 mr. DJ Leave a Reply | attention!!
How to post a     Advertise here
   |